Thursday, November 19, 2015

Divorce....A love lesson

For some reason when I hit puberty my self esteem took a nosedive. I believed that I was ugly because as far as I could tell there were no boys interested in me. One of my friends seemed to have every boy in the Junior High interested in her. As I grew older I made poor choices, and many based on what I viewed would make boys like me. As an adult I see teenage girls just like I was and it makes me feel a little bit sad for them. If only they could see how talented and beautiful they really are! When I was 19 I started going to cosmetology school full time and working part time. I was busy and with any spare moment that I had I would party with my friends. When I started Cosmetology school my hair was quite long and when I graduated my hair was short. When I first cut all of my hair off I hated it. In fact I remember meeting someone at the Vortex (a dance club) and giving him my number. A few weeks hair much shorter he asked me out and I said "No, I got a haircut and my hair is ugly now." He asked "why don't you let me be the judge of that." I told him that I knew it was ugly. I never went out on a date with him. I remember feeling quite depressed about my hair. I felt so desperate that I bought special vitamins and a drink called Ultra Hair which were supposed to help with hair growth. I also used an electric rake at school to stimulate my scalp. I don't think I went out with my friends to pick up on guys for a few months. Now I find it surprising that I would put so much of my worth into a hairstyle! Sometimes my friends and I would go to Single Adult dances. They were held in various locations around the Salt Lake Valley, and occassionally at Saltair. While attending a Single Adult dance I met my first husband. I remember the one thing that really attracted me to him was his accent. As I visited with him I found out that he was from Guatemala. Shortly after we began dating we decided to get married. I had a lot of doubts about marrying him and I would pray about it. However, my mind was clouded with confusion. I worried "what if he is the only one that ever wants to marry me." Also, when you are intimate with someone I think you have so many emotions attached to the person and that it clouds your judgement. We married after only knowing each other for a few months. Fredy was 10 years older than me, and also had been excommunicated from the church. What I should have seen as red flags I thought were things that would change. I really had no realistic view of how relationships are. After being married for a couple of months Fredy confessed to me that he had kissed a girl at the moives. Fredy's dream job was to buy and sell used cars for a profit. Sometimes he would also work doing asbestos removal. Most of the time while I was working full time he was home or wherever doing something that I didn't know. Through our whole marriage he would constantly be looking at other women, even flirting in front of me. Then there began to be a time when he wouldn't want to have sex with me. I would try and ask him what the problem was and he would say "I'm an old man, I just don't want it like when I was younger." Other times he would tell me that he didn't find my body type attractive. I would feel so discouraged by this. I was around 105 lbs and I would do my step aerobics tapes to help me "look" better. During this time period he had applied to be a permanent resident (he wasn't a citizen of the United States). I remember very clearly going to one of the interviews with him and they asked him if he had ever been arrested before and he said "yes, for soliciting a prostitute." I was completely shocked and the interviewer could tell and asked me if I had known. I said that I hadn't and Fredy started demanding that he had told me before. I am positive that he didn't tell me before. That is something I wouldn't forget. Our entire marriage was tumultuous. It seemed like everything that was important to me wasn't to him. He would challenge everything that I believed in. I really had to think about my faith at that time. I really developed a strong conviction of the things that I believed. Throughout this process he was constantly critical of me. He would say things like "you can't take the sacrament, three months ago you were drinking, so you are not worthy." (I have to add that I had met with the bishop and discussed the drinking with him). I also came to know that the only person that can determine whether or not you are worthy to take the sacrament would be you. It really is between yourself and the Lord. I was stuck in a pattern where I would try really hard to follow what the church teaches and then I would give up for a bit and then come back. Even though I would give up for a bit I still believed in the LDS church's teachings. It was just a constant battle to do what was right. During this time peroid I was constantly anxious. I wanted to be a mother so badly, but I just didn't like the thought of him being the father to my children. I felt so insecure, I just knew he was out cheating on me. And you know what? He was. I thought if I called him every day from work and spoke with him that it would remind him "oh yeah, I have a wife." It never did. Many times I wanted to get divorced. Life would happen though and I would put it off. February of 1997 we went on vacation to Hawaii. Two days after we came back he confessed to sleeping with a few prostitutes. I remember crying and feeling sick to myself. As I laid there next to him in our bed I could no longer stand it. I got up and drove over to my sister Angie's house (it was the middle of the night by this time) and asked her husband Bryan to give me a blessing. I was so thankful that she lived close to me. In hindsight I really believe that she was living in that area because I needed her there. After the blessing I got up and drove back to the house I owned with Fredy and began to pack up my car. I told him that I was done. He cried and many times begged me to stay. He said he would change. I told him to change for his next wife. I moved back home to my parents house. It was kind of weird to go from being married to living with my parents again, but they were super understanding towards me. On one of the first nights back at my parents house I sat in the front room reading scriptures with my parents and younger siblings and when it was my turn to read, I read 2 Nephi Chapter 10 verse 23 Therefore, Cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves--to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. As I read the scripture I felt like it was speaking to me. I felt a peace that I hadn't in a long time. I also knew that getting divorced from him was the right thing to do. Physically I felt as though a weight had physically been lifted off my shoulders. I hadn't realized how much of a burden I was bearing until it was no longer there. Looking back I don't regret being married to Fredy. It really shaped me into the person that I am today. Now I look at my sweet husband Tyler and I am so glad that I married him. He is a great husband to me and a great father to our children.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Life Lessons from Leslie, My Beautiful & Amazing sister part 2

Three years ago we took our family on a Cruise and to Disneyland for Christmas. At the time Leslie wasn't dating anyone (at least as far as I knew). We made plans for her to come with us on our vacation. She is a good friend, and more helpful than a husband with the kids. I was excited for her to come. I loved having her for our family vacations! Because of all of the time she has spent with us, my kids really bonded with her and all of them love her so much. One night on our cruise she was showing the kids the proper way to do an cannon ball into the hot tub and failed to navigate her body far enough in to miss the steps. Although she didn't go to the doctor we are pretty sure that she broke her tail bone. I know she was in pain for months after. Also this made going on any rides at Disneyland not as much fun. The day that our Cruise returned we checked into a hotel across the street from Disney and planned to go the next day. The next day as we all got up and ready to go, Tyler was feeling really sick so he decided to stay in our hotel room while the rest of us went. I was so thankful to have Leslie there to help me with all of my kids. I am sure she would have rather stayed back at the hotel room and rested her tail bone but she stuck by my side. I Loved all of the memories that we made together!  photo crusiepic.jpg This is a picture of us just as we are getting on the ship. I was super annoyed that they made us stop for a photo, but now I am glad that have this memory with my sister. Shortly after we came back from our vacation Leslie began dating someone. They dated for almost two years before they were married. When I met Bryan I could tell what a great guy he was. He seemed to be a perfect match for Leslie. I remember telling him about how much I grieved when Leslie found out she was pregnant with Jared. All of the times that I have been pregnant have been happy occasions and I wanted her to have that feeling too! He told me with emotion in his voice that he wanted that for her as well.  photo f0fb0321-a492-4dde-96f5-634f7c5734bf_zpsbhhowgy1.jpg  photo c69de487-284a-4611-9a78-0b9da38d1f6f_zps493xfmxb.jpg Here is a picture of Bryan and Leslie outside of the Oquirrh Hills Temple with Jared. We gained family when Leslie gave Jared up for adoption. Ryan and Sherry fit with our family just like they were one of us! Because of some health issues Leslie and Bryan knew that they would have to get invitro-fertilization to get pregnant. Shortly after the wedding they began the process. I remember praying so hard for Leslie. More than anything I wanted her to be a mother! On the first round they gave her about a 50% chance of concieving. They implanted two eggs and the chance of triplets was around 1%. I hoped and prayed that she would at least have twins. Well at her first U/S there were three heartbeats! She was pregnant with triplets.  photo lesliepreg_zpsjn8mc4pz.jpeg Here is a cute belly shot of her at 31 weeks! I actually thought she looked really great. Every time that I have been pregnant people have asked me "Are you sure there is just one in there?" I found this super annoying and it made me feel homocidal. At least when she was asked she could say actually there are three. I haven't been able to visit as much as I would like since the babies were born, but I am so happy for Leslie! She has the most beautiful babies.  photo 7cac8c85-9d2e-47bd-88c0-f603ff85addc_zpsmwghhpbk.jpg  photo 515ffb78-b2e0-4c42-8665-9d53e4a7e258_zpsiaq7h7vo.jpg I know that she was blessed for doing something that was right, yet so hard. To go from a day that was probably the hardest one of her life.  photo ea7f9631-5942-4ceb-ab81-4223e9279eab_zpsf534e95e.jpg To a day like this one!  photo lesliebaby2_zpsdoalytfy.jpg I want Leslie to know what a great example she has been to me my whole life. I Love you Leslie.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

"Mom You're Drunk"

For Christmas this year we went to California with Tyler's family. We planned to spend a day at Disneyland and a day at California Adventure. I had planned to buy the kids some kind of souvenir while we were there. On the day we went to California Adventure it was quite chilly that morning. I didn't bring a jacket but I wasn't worried because the sun was shining and we were walking around.......with the exception of Ethan. He really can't walk long distances, so we rented a wheelchair. Since Ethan was so cold, I went to a souvenir shop while he was on a ride and bought him a hoodie. He was quite grateful at that time because he felt so cold. Later on in the day I took Brigham and Hailey to buy something. Hailey picked Mini Mouse ears with a bow, and Brigham picked a double fan that spins with lights. At this point Ethan starts to feel jealous and a little bit jipped because he wants a toy. I told him sorry but his hoodie was his souvenir. He was kind of mad and sulky the rest of the night. A little side note here. When I get really tired I my mood is generally either laughing happy or crying depressed. When we were done with the lights and water show we decided to head back to the rental house. On the way to the car I see a giant lollipop stick on the ground still wrapped up. Since I am such a frugal minded Mother I say "Hey Ethan, there is your souvenir, and look it is still in the wrapper." Ethan replies "No, That is gross mom. You don't know where that sucker has been." Hailey then agreed, I said you are right, but wait.......this is your last chance for another souvenir. They left it on the ground and kept walking to the van, Hailey rolling her eyes at me. I then said: You are right you never know where that sucker has been. Someone probably bought that sucker and took it into the bathroom swirled it around in the toilet and then left it there for some kid to find. I then laughed....or perhaps even cackled evily, and had a brilliant idea. I suggested that next time we go to Disney instead of enjoying the rides we should buy a sucker swirl it around in the toilet and then leave it on the ground for some unsuspecting kid to find, and better yet we could hide in the huge hedges they have and I then cackled some more at how clever I am. Hailey pipes in "Mom some jokes are mean funny, and some jokes are just mean, and that joke is just mean." Being the stellar example of a good Mother, I dissagreed with her and decided that we should put it up for a vote ............So I asked the kids by raise of hand who wanted to do the sucker swirly. Brigham and Max voted with me, and Hailey, Ethan and Tyler voted against me. Spencer and Austin were riding with Grandma and Grandpa (however, being adolecent boys I'm sure they would have voted with me). As we pulled up to the stoplight outside of Disneyland I saw some pedestrians crossing the rode and began to narrate the action for us. There was a family trying to cross quickly because the crossing light was going to change. One of the ladies dropped something and had to run back and get it. I yelled out some encouragement inside our car. She made it to her item and across the road in the nick of time. I again laughed. Brigham never really seeing me laughing tired looks at me and in all seriousness says "Mom, you're drunk." Of course I then had to laugh some more. Then I proceeded to tell him: Yes, Yes I am. I am drunk on Ahhh............the fun of family Vacations. With me as the crazy mother!